He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So much rum. So many feels.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
