yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
