You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
