I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
