Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
