Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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