i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
