nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
