Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
