we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
