I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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