THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
