i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
