I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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