You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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