Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
