Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
