the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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