sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
