Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
