My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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