considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
