I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
