so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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