does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
