Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
third nipple confirmed
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
