Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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