My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
