If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
