just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The air was thick with penises
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
