I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
