just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
