3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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