sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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