a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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