Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
