fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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