70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
