i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let's get the cat blown out
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
