the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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