Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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