paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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