i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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