When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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