After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
