Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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