remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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