I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need to stop coming to work sober
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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