3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
