i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
